The Darkest Hour

This post started on December 31 but never finished writing it and never published it. 

It is New Years eve and I am reflecting back on the year that has brought so many changed to my world!!

This year has been a very tough one; one with many ups and downs and changes I could never have imagined. 2013 was going to be a promising year with the start of a new job and moving to a new city.  I thought life was finally going to get settled and we would all be happier.  Boy was I wrong!

The job started off great but the new city was a nightmare.  The room at extended stay we were staying in was infested with bed bugs!!!! Of course after just 2 days of being in that room, I had so many bites on my body, I had fever, swelling all over, insane itching more than 100 bites all over my body.  Doctor visit after doctor visit lead me to a skin specialist and 2 biopsies later, I was diagnosed with Sweet's Syndrome triggered by the bed bug bites.  It was a long 2 months just to get comfortable and now I am left with scars on my arms.

We finally found a place in March and within 2 weeks of moving in, our 2 household income became one.  Things were tight, but we kept pushing on and soon the girls will be joining us in our new city as they were left behind to finish up their last years in high school and elementary school.  These were milestones I just could not rip the kids out of.

April, evidence that trouble was on the horizon but assurance that all would be okay. Hey next month, the girls would be home and my sister was coming to visit for the first time in nearly 7 years!!

May, end of school and graduation day was finally here for the beloved oldest child.  Grace was on cloud nine.  Olivia was having anxiety about leaving all her friends but mom as so happy to have her babies home.

June was the month Grace and I made the trip to  Mobile, AL for her to register for classes at University of South Alabama and meet her roommate....ROAD TRIP!!  Things on the personal side was beginning to become weird and uncomfortable.  Man, I needed a breakthrough or something..

July began by asking dear friends to pray for me as I desired to know what God would have me to do.  Eight years of struggling to keep a marriage together when most of the time it felt one sided was beginning to wear on me. I began to pray for God to shine the light on the path just a bit brighter so this numb skull could figure out where to step next. I wanted to be obedient to God and grow in my faith, nothing seemed to matter except following God's plan and I was willing to make whatever change I needed to make.

August with the girls going  back to school. Olivia starting middle school and Grace beginning her freshman year at college, although not at Univ of South Alabama as we had hoped, but instead at Middle Georgia College right here in Macon.  Mom was happy because everyone was staying under one roof.  I also began the Proverbs 31 online bible study, "What happens when woman say yes to God".  This study became instrumental in my walk with the Lord,  I began to really search for God and desired to follow His will.  I prayed that God would give  me the strength and the courage to say Yes to God no matter the consequences.  I wanted to be free to follow God wherever He would lead me.  I began to see where my path was leading and it was quite scary, something I wasn't really sure I could follow through with.  It just didn't make sense that this is what God was telling me but evidence kept mounting and it became quite obvious that action needed to be taken.

September was a transitional month although I didn't know it at the beginning.  I presented the evidence and said if things didn't change, we were headed to divorce.  Immediately the  path became quite clear, relief and an admission of wrong doing....for the past 9 years!!!! My husband admitted to multiple same-sex relationships over the years and was ready to move on and divorce and would be moving out,  Just like that, 20 years was over....really?

Endless crying and Numbness mixed with pain  set in and the rest of September and all of October is a blur.  I don't remember much except that God had placed many wonderful spirit filled ladies and a few Godly men in my path.  These individuals encouraged me, prayed for me and were there to hold me up when I couldn't stand any longer. 

November came with the divorce being filed and the holidays on the horizon.  I was ready for 2013 to be over.  What started out as an exciting adventure in January has turned out to be a living nightmare that I wasn't sure was ever going to end. By the end of the month, Chuck finally found an job and announced he would most likely be moving...almost 2 hours away from me and his children.

I began to see that what I had been praying for all these years, to restore and heal my marriage, turned out to be the wrong thing to be praying for.  When I started  praying for God to make me a "yes to God" girl and become obedient to Him, I felt like me life was falling apart.  My marriage was not healed but dissolved.  The divorce was finalized on December 26...Merry Christmas to me... and God is slowing in the process of giving me a face lift; a spiritual face lift.  I needed to be restored - restored back to God and only live for him.  I realized that after Chuck left, I didn't know who I was!!  I became, Chuck's wife, Grace and Olivia's  mom but Paula had no other identity and I didn't even know who I was in Christ.

I have lived the darkest hour and there is light at the end of the tunnel and I am learning that my only identity - at least the one that matters beyond anything else, is the identity of Child of the Living King.  I am a Christ follower and I am redeemed! I have loved and loss this year but I have gained a faith that I know is unfailing. My faith has sustained me and I have hope in what is to come. 

Hebrews 6:19 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.

2014 has begun with some difficult days emotionally, but God has remained true and faithful and I am so glad for those in my life from my church, my job, my family of choice, my friends and family that have prayed for me and stood by me through this trying but spiritually affirming time.  I know the plans I have for you declare the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11.

I am  learning to claim these truths and hold on to God's unfailing love.....stay tuned!