I'm Worn

Tenth Avenue North - Worn Lyrics

Artist: Tenth Avenue North
Album: The Struggle

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Listen while you read!

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But im too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn
My prayers are wearing thin
And I’m worn
Even before the day begins
I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
Heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Yes, all that's dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/tenth-avenue-north/worn-lyrics/#AXIabix7LLWdp89R.99

As I was driving to work this morning, a Tenth Avenue North song came on...Worn.  It is such a poignant song and one that I can understand on a very personal level and every time I hear it, I brings me to tears.

I'm tired, I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I've made mistakes, I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world
and I know that you can give me rest
so I cry out with all that I have left.

I remember the time when I FIRST felt the wind get punched out of me.  I couldn't  breath and I literally felt like there was so much weight on me that I didn't know if I would ever get out of bed again; and I cried.  I cried tears of disappointment, tears of anger, tears of disbelief and I cried out to God to take it all away.  At one point I even cried for God to take ME away.  I had no hope and felt like I had nothing left.  That FIRST time, months went by and very little relief in my emotional state and I all I could do was cry some more.

Let me see redemption win, let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

During that past eight years of this struggle, I kept crying out to God.  How could this have happened, why does it keep happening, why will you NOT RELEASE me from this? How could I be expected to bear this time and time again...  I believe that God can and does restore, all I wanted was restoration but  I could not walk away.  After all, I was being faithful and I made not just a commitment, but a covenant and I was waiting for God to fix everything because in the end, that is what happens, right?

I know I need to lift my eyes up, but I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Incident after incident, time and after time, year after year I cried out to God for relief; fix it, heal it, or take it, just do something.  I was tired and all I could do was pray, read and study my bible searching for answers and cry out to God.  There were times when things felt like they were headed in the right direction and perhaps, God was answering my prayer.  But just when I got comfortable with my life and my journey, another incident appeared  and it seemed to take me deeper in despair and it took longer and was harder to come out of it. I had great people surrounding me, praying for me,  lifting me up and at times, I was at a loss for words and couldn't pray anymore. Those times when I felt God was not there, others stepped up and prayed on my behalf because I had nothing left to give.

My prayers are wearing thin, and I'm worn
Even before the day begins, I'm worn
I've lost my will to fight, I'm worn
Heaven come and flood  my eyes

Two years ago, I felt I had hit rock bottom, I could not  pray and I felt so numb and was literally in a fog, that all I could say was "I am tired".  I had fallen into the darkest pit and there seemed to be no light to look to, and I began  to cry, physically cry and could not stop. I became almost hysterical with tears and loud full force crying.  It was like 6 years of holding back just busted the dam wide open and the flood gates were smashed.  I wanted to die and  I really didn't want to deal with this anymore.  I was tired of hurting and tired of being in the midst of this storm that would just not go away.  I was driving my car and was desperately searching for something to drive my car into.  I want to die but I didn't want to an innocent person's life with me so I had enough sense to pull over and call the emergency hot line number on the back of my insurance card. I was immediately sent to the ER for evaluation.  The only thing I could say was I was tired and hysterically cry.  The poor lady on the other end of the call wanted to call the ambulance, but I refused to tell here where I was.  I was about a mile from the hospital so she remained on the phone with me while I drove myself there.

Of course they gave me some really good sedatives to calm me down and I started spilling what was going on.  Of course I had a psychiatric evaluation and it was determined that I was no longer having suicidal thoughts and I didn't need to be immediately admitted and I was given instructions to call for further evaluation as an outpatient, which I did.  I slowly crawled out of that deep dark pit and God began to restore my strength and resolve. I had amazing friends along the way, great friends that stood by me, allowed me cry, yell and just mope when I needed to; all the while, there were interceding at the throne of God on my behalf.

It has been a long two years since that February of 2011 and an even longer 8 years since this journey began on July 17, 2005 but I have continued to grow and strengthen my faith; there have been ups and down, triumphs and disappointments and on  September 13, 2013, the journey took a sharp turn that led to a divorce and me being a single mom.  A new leg of the journey has now begun I have been worn and I have been so tired that I just didn't care if I lived or died, but the tiredness is improving and has been replaced with resolve. Resolve to turn this journey into something inspiring for others.

Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose

Joshua 1:9 - Remember that I have commanded you to be determined and confident! Don't be afraid or discouraged, for I, the Lord your God, am with you wherever you go."

The Darkest Hour

This post started on December 31 but never finished writing it and never published it. 

It is New Years eve and I am reflecting back on the year that has brought so many changed to my world!!

This year has been a very tough one; one with many ups and downs and changes I could never have imagined. 2013 was going to be a promising year with the start of a new job and moving to a new city.  I thought life was finally going to get settled and we would all be happier.  Boy was I wrong!

The job started off great but the new city was a nightmare.  The room at extended stay we were staying in was infested with bed bugs!!!! Of course after just 2 days of being in that room, I had so many bites on my body, I had fever, swelling all over, insane itching more than 100 bites all over my body.  Doctor visit after doctor visit lead me to a skin specialist and 2 biopsies later, I was diagnosed with Sweet's Syndrome triggered by the bed bug bites.  It was a long 2 months just to get comfortable and now I am left with scars on my arms.

We finally found a place in March and within 2 weeks of moving in, our 2 household income became one.  Things were tight, but we kept pushing on and soon the girls will be joining us in our new city as they were left behind to finish up their last years in high school and elementary school.  These were milestones I just could not rip the kids out of.

April, evidence that trouble was on the horizon but assurance that all would be okay. Hey next month, the girls would be home and my sister was coming to visit for the first time in nearly 7 years!!

May, end of school and graduation day was finally here for the beloved oldest child.  Grace was on cloud nine.  Olivia was having anxiety about leaving all her friends but mom as so happy to have her babies home.

June was the month Grace and I made the trip to  Mobile, AL for her to register for classes at University of South Alabama and meet her roommate....ROAD TRIP!!  Things on the personal side was beginning to become weird and uncomfortable.  Man, I needed a breakthrough or something..

July began by asking dear friends to pray for me as I desired to know what God would have me to do.  Eight years of struggling to keep a marriage together when most of the time it felt one sided was beginning to wear on me. I began to pray for God to shine the light on the path just a bit brighter so this numb skull could figure out where to step next. I wanted to be obedient to God and grow in my faith, nothing seemed to matter except following God's plan and I was willing to make whatever change I needed to make.

August with the girls going  back to school. Olivia starting middle school and Grace beginning her freshman year at college, although not at Univ of South Alabama as we had hoped, but instead at Middle Georgia College right here in Macon.  Mom was happy because everyone was staying under one roof.  I also began the Proverbs 31 online bible study, "What happens when woman say yes to God".  This study became instrumental in my walk with the Lord,  I began to really search for God and desired to follow His will.  I prayed that God would give  me the strength and the courage to say Yes to God no matter the consequences.  I wanted to be free to follow God wherever He would lead me.  I began to see where my path was leading and it was quite scary, something I wasn't really sure I could follow through with.  It just didn't make sense that this is what God was telling me but evidence kept mounting and it became quite obvious that action needed to be taken.

September was a transitional month although I didn't know it at the beginning.  I presented the evidence and said if things didn't change, we were headed to divorce.  Immediately the  path became quite clear, relief and an admission of wrong doing....for the past 9 years!!!! My husband admitted to multiple same-sex relationships over the years and was ready to move on and divorce and would be moving out,  Just like that, 20 years was over....really?

Endless crying and Numbness mixed with pain  set in and the rest of September and all of October is a blur.  I don't remember much except that God had placed many wonderful spirit filled ladies and a few Godly men in my path.  These individuals encouraged me, prayed for me and were there to hold me up when I couldn't stand any longer. 

November came with the divorce being filed and the holidays on the horizon.  I was ready for 2013 to be over.  What started out as an exciting adventure in January has turned out to be a living nightmare that I wasn't sure was ever going to end. By the end of the month, Chuck finally found an job and announced he would most likely be moving...almost 2 hours away from me and his children.

I began to see that what I had been praying for all these years, to restore and heal my marriage, turned out to be the wrong thing to be praying for.  When I started  praying for God to make me a "yes to God" girl and become obedient to Him, I felt like me life was falling apart.  My marriage was not healed but dissolved.  The divorce was finalized on December 26...Merry Christmas to me... and God is slowing in the process of giving me a face lift; a spiritual face lift.  I needed to be restored - restored back to God and only live for him.  I realized that after Chuck left, I didn't know who I was!!  I became, Chuck's wife, Grace and Olivia's  mom but Paula had no other identity and I didn't even know who I was in Christ.

I have lived the darkest hour and there is light at the end of the tunnel and I am learning that my only identity - at least the one that matters beyond anything else, is the identity of Child of the Living King.  I am a Christ follower and I am redeemed! I have loved and loss this year but I have gained a faith that I know is unfailing. My faith has sustained me and I have hope in what is to come. 

Hebrews 6:19 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.

2014 has begun with some difficult days emotionally, but God has remained true and faithful and I am so glad for those in my life from my church, my job, my family of choice, my friends and family that have prayed for me and stood by me through this trying but spiritually affirming time.  I know the plans I have for you declare the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11.

I am  learning to claim these truths and hold on to God's unfailing love.....stay tuned!