Happy New Year 2015

2014 is gone I have come out the other side still standing and feeling stronger than I expected. This past year has been extremely challenging. I started 2014 as a newly single woman after 20 years and this time as a single mother of two. Now my girls were 12 and 18 when the year started so they did not require the same attention as a younger child...thank the Lord for that.  However, financially, I just felt I was set up for failure; I have been raising my girls with a two person income since they were born and now I am expected to care for both with one income and I have not really been alone since high school.  We knew it was going to be a challenging year and for the most part the three of us worked together to get through it, but it certainly hasn't been without struggles.  

Olivia started the year out seeing a counselor to help cope with the divorce and she seemed to be doing well, but as summer came and she happily attended youth camp, she revealed she had been struggling and was having a hard time coping.  We prayed and studied the bible to try to find some help and resolution and for a while things improved again.  As time passed, it became clear that she was hurting and it was revealed that she had been cutting. I was devastated and felt like such a failure as a parent.  I had no idea she was in such a dark place. 

Looking back I always wondered why she was wearing long sleeves in the summer and fall when it was so warm, and I knew that she was upset she didn't see her dad very much,but she seemed so happy when we were together. School is becoming a problem, she is acting out telling very embellished stories and her grades are suffering but somehow pulls it up on the knick of time.  Olivia and I have had many heart to hearts and we do have a great relationship, but there are just somethings even I can't fill. We are working on her turning her problems and concerns over to God and as she matures in her faith, she will grow stronger and learn to rely on God more. In the mean time, this mama's knees are getting sore but we will start 2015 talking to a professional to get her the help she needs.

Grace has had a ride, too, but she is sill standing on her own two feet. She left Kroger and now works for a local pizza company while remaining in college. Her plans have changed several times throughout the year and at times I felt like I was getting whiplash with the I'm moving out, no I'm not, yes I am. She has decided to stay at home for now . I am proud of her but we have butted heads a few times. She is trying to become an adult on her terms while living in her newly single mom's house while mom is trying to figure out how to be a single woman and a single mom with no daily assistance from the man who is the father of her children. It has been a tough ride, but we are making it just the same.

As for me, I'm still searching for God's plan for my life. Between work, attending church and developing some great friendships and bible study, I still dealt with depression and migraines and of course stress eating. In spite of that, God has remained real and alive in my life. I have had nights where I would still cry out and wonder where He was and times I felt I was in such a deep dark pit, I just didn't know how I was going to get out, but God would always show up in unexpected ways. Jeremiah 29:13 says, "you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."  Seek God I did!  

Lysa Terkereust writes in the book, What Happens When Women Say Yes to God - 'He has gone before us and sees the dangers and trials we face...the only way to know and trust God in this way is to spend time with Him'. I began to pour myself into prayer and bible study and mediation.  I am flabber gasted at how my life has turned out but I know that nothing comes as a surprise to God.  I just have to be still and listen for what he wants to do with all this in my life.  Lysa also writes in the same book, 'do not seek to see it.  You are robbing Faith of her sublime sweetness if you do.  Just know that all is well and that Faith, not seeing but believing, is what will bear you to safety over the stormy waters.  My stormy waters are mostly over, at least as far as THAT particular storm is concerned, although I am still trying to pick up the pieces.  I am learning to trust God with my future and this year has been a faith building year for sure.

There were many firsts this past year...my first holidays without a spouse, my first summer vacation without the complete family and lots of time being ALONE!!!!! I've never liked being alone,but it was in that time that God would speak to me and I would seek to understand this new journey. Focus was my word for 2014 and I spent the year focusing on God and not going off the deep end and trying to keep my head above water. Happily, I can say I succeeded. I feel stronger than last year at this time and I know that I will keep getting stronger.  God has blessed me in ways I could never have imagined.  I really believe God has a plan and I am excited to see where my journey of faith 2015 will lead.

2015 is going to be about persevering.  Persevere means to persist in anything undertaken; maintain a purpose inspite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragements, continue steadfastly.  James 1:12 states, Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him.  My journey is no longer about "poor me' but what do you want me to do for your Kingdom, Lord".

I have made it through the trial of surviving the first year after the divorce and the newness of singlehood again.  It wasn't easy but I am okay with myself  now.  I have discovered I CAN be alone and be OKAY.  However, I am not  naive enough to think that it will be all rosy from here. I have met the status quo of year one and life will finally begin to move forward and new trials will present itself....and I am ready.  Bible in hand, and knee pads at the ready...John 15:10 states  If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love.  Obedience is the key that unlocks this secret place with God.  I plan on spending a lot of time with God and being  obedient and being ready to Say Yes To God at any given moment, just so I can experience Him daily in my life and be an example for others.