One year ago this week, I began to feel God was finally releasing me from a painful marriage. It was the hardest thing I had to do. I loved my husband so much that I was willing to pray us out of this pit we were in for as many years as it would take. I was not letting go. Now let me make this perfectly clear, I was not fearful for my life or the lives of my children. He was a good man and would never dream of doing any physical to harm me or the girls and he never raised his voice to me. His battle was mental and spiritual and outwardly, it affected our marriage.
On July 17,2005 after 11 years of marriage, I discovered pictures, videos and emails of the secret life my husband had. What I found left me feeling so betrayed and horrified I went in to shock!! I took my kids and moved out with no warning. I had to find time to process this. I had friends and family rally around me, pray for me and for my husband. Once he was confronted, he admitted that he didn't know why he did what he did and didn't want to loose the family he loved so much. So after a 3 month separation, we reconciled with the understanding we would seek counseling; which we did for a time.
Things improved for a while but it took a very long time for any kind of trust to return on my behalf. I never truly recovered but trudged on and eventually, life returned to a new normal and I sought hard after God during this time. I wanted my marriage to be strong and for us to be a testimony for couples down the road on how infidelity can be turned around and still bring glory to God.
Over the years since the initial finding, we've had our ups and downs. Slip ups and recoveries. Melt downs and mini restorations. He just could stop the sin that had consumed him, and I kept forgiving him and staying because God had not released me from this marriage, this covenant that I made on April 30, 1994. I was going to honor my vow no matter what. And I did with the help of studying God's word, praying and surrounding me with people who continually prayed for me and my husband. The prayer warriors were on overtime.
Eventually, we both got jobs an hour away from our home and decided it would be in our best interest to move closer to our work. I was excited; this was a chance to start over. No one knew of our past marital problems and we could start fresh in a church and God was finally going to restore us to compete healing. Well, moving to Macon turned out being the worse thing for our marriage. Shortly after we moved, my husband lost his job and then I discovered things were back to betrayal. I couldn't take it any more! I started recruiting new prayer warriors at my new church and calling in the old prayer troops from the past. I needed help and clarity. This had been going on for 8 years!! I had struggled with God's will for marriage before and I kept getting a very clear answer.
This time, it was fuzzy. I struggled with hatred and not love and I began to wonder if this is what God meant when he said we would face trials and tribulations or was I just a fool to believe things would be restored. I remember telling one of my prayer partners that I know God says we should turn the cheek and forgive 70x7 but I think I have gone way past that number over the years and I was beginning to feel like a door mat. I sought God, I prayed and I constantly study the Word for answers. One night after study and praying, I had a tremendous peace that came over me and I felt God telling me my journey was changing and I was released from the covenant.
I continued to pray about it, made a plan and gathered evidence and confronted him one more time. This time, he admitted that he had been unfaithful for as long as 10 years. Longer than I had expected and it wasn't just on the internet. It was physical and he was gay and wanted to be with men. That was a punch in the gut that I always suspected based on the information uncovered years before, but the final admission hurt more that I could ever imagine. It was more than betrayal!!! I can't compete with his choice. There is no way to make sense of his actions. I was devastated. I loved this man and planned on growing old with him, gave him children... but he wanted out.
Our divorce became final the day after Christmas and I maintained a positive attitude through the holidays. Holidays were always big for us. This year, I had an empty chair and no one to share it with but I pressed through. But all the emotional junk has been eating me up over the last 6 months. What happened to the first six months? I guess I was still in shock and auto pilot for the sake of my girls, but now, depression and anger have set in big time. Weeks go by and I stare at the wall or lay in bed in a fetal position just feeling numb. Others times, it takes all I have to not get on Facebook, email or phone and curse him out for ruining my life and messing up our children's lives. But you know, I am still surrounded by prayer partners, people who love me and encourage me and lift me up. I wouldn't have made it this far without their encouragement and I am so thankful for them!!!
This weekend was a time to break all those chains of betrayal, depression, anger, worthlessness and realizing that I AM BEAUTIFULLY BROKEN and it is in this time that God does the most amazing work. I am in a transformation that will bring me out on the other side just like a beautiful butterfly. I love the analogy Pastor Kim made when she said that we are like glow sticks. We have to be broken to shine. I have been broken the light is starting to shine and I am on my way to be fully bright!! I am looking forward to being loved back to life through the ministry of Pastor Kim and everyone else who has stood for me in the gap and praying for me and most of all...
THANK YOU LORD FOR NEVER GIVING UP ON ME!!!
