One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind.

Well, today is my birthday. I am 42 today. 42 years ago, Neil Armstrong became the first human to step foot on the moon, and uttered those famous words; "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." 42 years ago, my mom was in labor at the sweet age of 15, giving birth to her first baby daughter. My father told me once that he wanted to name me Apollo after the lunar module that landed on the moon, but mom had more sense and named me Paula. My mother was a smart woman!!

A lot has happened in the past 42 years. Some of which, I am ashamed of, most things though, I have no regrets. Everything in my life has led me to this point. The point that I am searching; searching for something that I am not even sure what it is. I believe that I am saved, believe that Christ died for me and proclaim Him whenever I can, but still something is missing. I think this is the reason I am struggling with so many things in life.

My pastor is teaching on blessings right now and last Sunday he mentioned that God has given everyone the blessing of a burden for something. His was reaching the lost and disconnected and I became acutely aware that I don't know what my blessing is. What burden has God laid on my heart? What is my purpose on this earth for the kingdom? The only thing lately that I seem to have any passion about is learning to eat healthy and loosing weight. I want to make a difference in my kids' lives so they will grow up and be healthy and live a long and happy life.

I guess my journey is just like the statement made by Neil Armstrong; one small step for man - that would be fixing my life, learning to eat right, and getting in shape and training to run the 5K. One giant leap for mankind - that would be learning how to relay the same information to my family and figure out how God would want me to use the information to benefit the kingdom of God.

I will keep plugging away and reading my bible and praying until I figure out what is missing and what my blessing of a burden is so I can make a difference in the kingdom of God. I have a long way to go to meet my goal of running a 5K and loosing 50 lbs, but it is a journey that I still wish to travel and whatever baggage God feels I need to deal with along the way, I will!!

Thanks for reading and talk to you soon!

Your beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will your future be. Job 8:7

I am glad to say that things are heading in the right direction again. I guess I just didn't realize how much I had begun to shut everyone out when I felt things were falling apart. But, my GiG (girlfriend in God), called me out and helped me share what is going on in my life. I had forgotten how much I enjoy her insight and biblical wisdom. So for that, I say thank you Denise, you always seem to know just what to say.

Last night, Grace and Olivia kept bugging me to go walking, so I reluctantly got off my couch and went walking. I was nice to have a walking partner. Olivia kept trying to prove she could out do all of us and tired out very easy. Grace and I spent the first 5 minutes walking and talking together, then when the time came, she left me in the wind. It has been over a week since I last walked and I feel like I am back at square one. I was able to run when the time came, but I only did the 45 second runs with 2 minute walks instead of the 60 second run and 90 minutes recovery walk. I only completed 2 1/2 miles and Grace did the entire 3 miles.

When we finished, I asked the girls what the thought of my training routine, not so easy, right? Olivia said that she will not come back again, but of course, Grace said it wasn't bad and would like to continue. I think they have a new appreciation for what I am trying to do, however, I am still at the beginning. I think I would really enjoy having my girls run that 5K with me when the time comes. It would me a lot to me if we could do this as a family.

Job 8:7

Your beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will your future be.

Exercise is not something you do just to lose weight, it's action that you take to put your body under subjection and strengthen your spirit. Daily exercise will condition your mind to accept body motion as a part of life and make the Holy Spirit a stronger force within you to overcome adversity.

You may think that you're too weak and tired to exercise, but you are weak and tired sometimes because you don't exercise. Get up and workout to build a strong foundation of good health and spiritual strength. (quoted from Bonnie Mechelle, Victory Steps, June 29, 2011)

I think that working toward this goal, together, is a way for our family to connect again. I started this journey alone, but truthfully, as it changes me, it will change my family, and hopefully for the better. So while I started alone, I hope to finish strong with my family at my side.

I am excited about the possibilities of what lies ahead!!

Carried to the Table

Today was a very emotional day for me in so many facets. I had recently made two critical decisions in my life that would effect everyone I knew and loved, and both were going to hurt me and them. I had been praying and seeking God's will in this, I felt things were broken; I was broken and I was tired of feeling this way. I had been sharing all this with a dear friend and praying for the right time , no matter how difficult it was going to be, I needed to make a change, one that was years overdue...or so I thought.

My daughter, Grace, can sing like an angel; and today, God used her in a very special way through a song; "Carried to the the Table". It was an unexpected touch from God, I always expect God to show up, but today, He showed up and was talking to me face to face. It is rare that I can say that and truly believe that He was there. As I listened to my daughter sing in that angelic voice, I didn't open my eyes the entire time the words were being sung because I really believe He was there, right beside me, reminding me how broken I am WITHOUT HIM.

"Wounded and forsaken,
I was shattered by the fall,
Broken and forgotten
feeling lost and all alone"

This is exactly how I have been feeling. I am failing at so many things in my life lately. I have been failing on my diet, spiritually I have not been living up to what I know I should be and personally, things looked bleak and I felt like I have been living in a lie for years, letting everyone think that things are honky dory, when inside I was being torn apart because I just wanted no part of it any longer. I wanted OUT and I know that is not what God had intended. I have never felt so alone in my life then I have the last few months.

"I was carried to the table,
seated where I don't belong,
Carried to the table,
swept away by His love.
And I don't see my brokenness anymore,
When I'm seated at the the table of the Lord
I'm carried to the table
The table of the Lord"

As those beautiful words began to ring out, I realized, that at that moment, I was being carried to the Lord's table. He was sitting right there with me, face to face. I couldn't open my eyes. I really wanted to watch Grace sing this song, but I was so overwhelmed by God's presence,that I couldn't. I physically could not open my eyes.

"Fighting thoughts of fear
and wondering why He called my name,
am I good enough to share this cup?
this world has left me lame,
even in my weakness,
the Savior called my name
in His Holy presence
I 'm healed and unashamed"

All I could see was God, reaching out to me, loving me; tears were streaming down my face as I realized that I have been trying to handle this again, all by myself. I really thought that God was guiding me, but God is not about tearing down, but building up. With His love, the brokenness was healed and swept away.

I have been struggling with a lot lately, and I have been seeking God's will, but in my haste to get an answer and to "fix" things on my own, I misunderstood what God was trying to tell me. Today, through a song sung during our worship time at church, God reached out to me, sat with me, face to face and reminded my how much HE LOVES ME, know matter what else is going on in my life, nothing will change the one true love in my life.

Christ is real food for the soul, and to embrace and feed on Him produces freedom from so many things that we allow to bog us down. I have a serious habit of stress eating, and I have been doing a lot of it lately. I have totally blown my diet and exercise routine that I had gotten myself on because I was trying to handle this problem, again and again, on my own. Today, God made me realize that I must rely on HIM and his food. Real and true belief in Christ involves turning away from finding our satisfaction in earthly things, to turning to Christ to fill us, satisfy our hearts and give us life.

Man does not live on bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God (Matthew 4:4)

So I challenge you to google the song "Carried to the Table" by the Lelands and listen to the entire song or just google the lyrics. You will see how God has and will carry you to the table if you will open your hearts and let him. He is the only satisfying thing we need in our life.

Now I am not saying that the situations I have been praying about just miraculously fixed themselves today, but I am saying that I don't feel so alone and broken any more and if I continue to seek him and eat from His table, then I will be satisfied in so many different ways in my life.

Have you been carried to the table recently?

Climbing out of the Pit

It has been a very rough week. It started last Thursday and snowballed from there. I really can't explain it and I feel so bad because I have "fallen off the proverbial wagon" of sorts. The diet is shot, no walking since then either and the weight has reflected it. It has gone up! UGH! But I have to pay the price for not staying focused...I know that, but it doesn't make it any better.

I sit here at night, thinking that I will never loose the weight or get where God intends me to if things don't change, but I don't know what else to do. I feel depressed, angry with myself and as of right now, I don't think I will every reach my goal. I am sitting at the bottom of the pit and really don't feel like climbing out!

I feel like I have disappointed everyone including God, but there is so much going on right now, I feel lost and of course, since I am a stress eater, I eat. I think I need to go back to the first couple of days of the bible study and start over again.

Pray for me and I RE-begin this journey and start step by step climbing back out of the pit!! It sucks, but the only think I can do is to get re-focused and start again. I don 't know how it will go, but I am definitely going to try.

Talk to you soon... I hope.

Forbidden Fruit

To date, today was the worst day of this journey. It has been a rough day and it started early this morning; it set me on an emotional roller coaster from the get go. Once lunch time came around, I was stressed to the max and I ate like it.

I must say that as I ate the forbidden fruit (aka personal pan pizza), it was so delicious and it was like a small piece of pure enjoyment!!! However, I ate the 3 personal bread sticks which was so scrumptious and then ate the first piece of pizza, I began to feel guilty b/c I had worked so hard to get where I was and this was ruining it. I hate the second pizza ( personal pan slices are tiny) I began to feel full, however I kept eating!! I finished that pizza and enjoyed it, too, I didn't care at that point if it was not on my diet. As I drove back to work, I was praying about what I had done because then I began to feel guilty and started to think about the scale that would be staring me in the face all afternoon as I would weight those sick little patients.

That is when last night's bible study came to me. It is not about what we eat, as God did not intend for us to restrict food from our daily intake, but to be thankful for everything we eat and to not over indulge. I was okay eating my lunch, and I was very thankful for it, but when I started to get full, I should have stopped eating. Continuing to eat when I was feeling full exhibited gluttony. That is the sin, what was wrong, not just eating the pizza.

So, be mindful of what you eat, AND WHY YOU EAT IT, and don't let the food rule you!!

Today was a very exciting. I stepped on the scale and low and behold, I weighed in at 188 lbs. I am down 12 lbs since I began this journey on Memorial Day.

Yesterday was a tough day for me. I participated in a one day fast that was part of my bible study. I have never fasted before and even though I read about it, I really didn't know what to expect. On Monday, I ate my last meal at supper and a snack later that night. I was okay most of the day, kept drinking plenty of water, but by supper, I was very hungry and agitated. Of course the purpose of fasting is not to starve yourself to loose weight (even though a lot of people will do it for that reason), fasting is about praying and seeking God, sometimes to seek an answer from God, but other times, just to increase fellowship with Him.

Since I was at work most of the day for this fast, I spent all day in "mental" worship and prayer. Fasting did not seem so hard. Once at home, I was studying my bible. I chose to study the book of John. I got most of the way through the first chapter and I was really hungry and snapping at everyone. I had decided earlier in the day that I would not walk because I hadn't eaten and felt it would be too much on me, but the later it got, the more agitated I got. I decided that I needed to get away from the family and went to Tyus park to walk. I planned to only do 1-2 laps around the walking track, but was enjoying my worship music so much that I kept on going. I was in deep communion with God. I wound up walking 2 miles and felt great when I was finished. By the time I got home, the fast was over. I ate a light snack and settled in to do my nightly bible study. I was exhausted and slept so good.

1 Tim 4:3-5 says 3 They forbid people to marry and order them to abstain from certain foods, which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and who know the truth. 4 For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, 5 because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer.

This verse was very interesting to me because every diet I have ever been on encouraged restricting yourself from certain foods in order to loose or maintain your weight loss, however, as you can see, the bible clearly states that nothing is to be rejected if received with thanksgiving. I think the key here is to control the amount of what you eat, which is essentially, portion control. Indulgence of the flesh is what most people live by and do not even realize it. It is easy to eat a huge handful of cookies, but how hard is it to only eat one? For someone like me, it is very hard and becomes a matter of mind over matter or, learning to have portion control through prayer and fasting. This is a concept that I am working on and hope to achieve it by the end of this 60 day bible study and in the meantime, loose the unhealthy weight. I know I can do it!!

Tonite I did my 5K training and very excited that I was able to complete all 8 cycles of 60 second runs. I completed the entire 30 minutes as planned. I am very excited, although, I will repeat the week on training because I didn't feel like I had completed it the way it was meant to be. I am very proud of myself for making it, but I really felt like my chest was closing in on me tonite when I finished. One more week should get me on track.

Keep walking and watching your portions!! You too, can do it. Talk to you soon!

Fasting

Today was a good day. I weighed in this morning at 190.6 and since the first of June, I have lost 6.2 lbs(2 weeks). A slow but steady start. Now that I have begun exercising, I hope that number will increase slightly. I am learning to eat new things and explore new ways to make food. It is actually kind of fun.

Today's bible study was on fasting and how to correctly fast. Really, it is more about seeking God and His will in your life. I have never fasted, but hope to one day. I understand that you can really see God if you do it properly and with the correct mind set. I know that I have many things or strongholds that I need to let go of and fasting would be a great way to see how God would have me to handle that.

I was able to walk today. I did not run because today is an off day, but I want to keep moving everyday and did not want to give my legs a chance to hurt tomorrow. I was so proud of myself. I completed 3 miles walking. I intended to stop at 30 minutes, but I was so enjoying my music on my player that I just kept walking!!!

Looking forward to tomorrow to see what great things my be coming my way by seeking God's will for my life.

Talk to you soon.