His strength is made perfect in our weakness

During my daily quiet time and bible study I have been praying and asking God to change me; help with this weight loss, change the way I think about food but also praying for more personal and spiritual things. I want to be a person that God can use in a mighty way. I want to make a difference in my family's life, my husband's life and most importantly, I want to change my life to be a walking testimony of the love and forgiving power of Jesus Christ. I think this is something that every Christian should strive for, but He may already be doing that in ways we just don't realize.

Many of us want to change our lives, our circumstances and we expect everyone around us to change because, after all, I am a Christian, so there must be nothing wrong with me, it must be everyone else, right? Well I have read today that changing our circumstances often begins with changing ourselves. When we are willing to submit to God to change our own heart, and trust God for the outcome, we will be surprised how much better our life improves when we take our hands off the situation. This allows God to do His work - the work of restoring and healing and changing whatever needs to be changed.

Many times, we think we know what is best, but God doesn't make mistakes. We need to step back and allow God to do the work HE desires and trust that He knows what is best for us. This often may not be what we want or want we thought it should be. The thing we think will fix things is birthed in our imperfect and sinful minds and often out of God's Will for our lives. God is perfect, a healer, restorer and author of peace. He is not the author of confusion.

We may not think that God can use us until we get out of a particular situation; lets be real, we all make foolish decisions, tell lies and have bad thoughts, but as Christians, we learn to "crucify our sinful desires on a daily basis" (devotion Right Where We Are, Called Magazine, Feb 8, 2012). This is the same with me and my weight loss journey. To get right down to it, those who are overweight may be dealing with a food addiction. I would consider myself to be in that category. If this were not true, then it would be easy to turn away food and not desire it, but instead, I have to remind myself daily, why I can't eat the amount I used to or the things I used to, all the time! Sharon Jaynes writes in her devotion today that "our sinful nature never goes away; we simply become better at dominating it". I am seeing that by dominating my choices on food and the amount that I am eating, my life is changing, my body is changing and my attitudes are changing. I have been told by others that I am an inspiration to others.

So in the big picture of life, whether you are addicted to drugs, alcohol, pornography or FOOD, you may not think that God can use you; but if you seek out God, plead with Him and truly seek repent over those strongholds in your life, God doesn't want you to stay where you are. 2 Corinthians states: "MY grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness" God can use us in our weakness, it can allow us to reach others and help them to reach out to God and make them strong. "God doesn't want us to stay where we are, our (calling) is a journey. Through each stage of our struggles and growth, God is able to work through us, right where we are!!

You never let go...

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Chorus:
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We ll live to know You here on the earth

Chorus:

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

~~~Matt Redman

I was sitting here this morning in my quiet time with the Lord and this song was playing in the backround and I just broke down crying. To look at me and my family, you would think we were a happy normal family. But, what you may not see is that we have trials and tribulations just like everyone else. We have financial problems, we get into fights with our children, most especially our almost 17 year old who wants to act grown, but still needs her mommy. Chuck and I may look like the happy couple married almost 18 years, but we have dark areas in our past that we would rather leave in the past. And did you know that I have been on medicine for depression, that I don't like myself very much and can't stand to see me in anything that doesn't cover nearly every inch of my body???

In all this, God has never left my side. No matter how many times I may turn my back on him, he never turns His back on me. How wonderful to have a love that will withstand any storm, any trouble, any darkness. I have realized over the years that in my darkest hour, God was always there. That time 6 years ago when I wanted to drive my car into a brick wall at high speed because of a personal trial I was going through, God prompted me to make a phone call for help and on the other line was a dear friend telling me how much she loved me and reminding me how much God loves me. Even now, God has given me a true confidant, a very Godly, wise woman, someone I can share my deepest secrets with. Someone who helps keep me grounded and always look at things through God's eyes.

Today I am down nearly 22 lbs since the first of the year, and I have finally set a date for my first 5K. It will be May 12 at the Susan G Coman 5K at Atlantic Station. It certainly has not been easy but I have made a decision to not let the things of my darkness weigh me down. I am making a change, starting with me in mind, body and soul. I feel better since I am eating better and exercising. I am beginning to see changes in my body and fitting into smaller clothes. I feel much happier and I am weaning off my medicine for depression and my quiet time with my Savior is getting better. God's perfect love IS casting our fear and I know there is a light at the end, one day there will be an end to these troubles, but until that day comes, "Still I will praise Him". My quiet time with the Lord has become so precious to me that I almost grieve the mornings I miss it.

I am so thankful for the people God has placed in my life at this time, some he has been preparing for years and others are newcomers, but everyone is special to me and I know, has a purpose in my life. These are God's gifts to me right now and I hope I can be as good for them as they are for me. My heart aches right now for one who has just lost her job. I know she has been preparing for this for sometime, as she knew the time was coming, but it is still devastating. It changes your way of life, your daily routine. I know, I have been there, but God brought me out of that dark time and he will her too. I pray that God will lift her up today, give her a clear head and a peace over that situation. This didn't take Him by surprise. There is a purpose behind this and if we wait upon the Lord, He will guide our paths. I am learning that myself and was reminded of that very thing just the other day from this same friend. Isn't it great how God works!!!

I have had years and years of troubles, pain and darkness and the one thing we all need to remember, God never let's go through the calm and through the storm, in every high and every low. All we have to do is to remember to praise Him!!

Making everything new!

Well, I have lost 14 lbs since January started and I am pumped. I think I have finally realized that a short time of sacrifice will pay off in the long run. It certainly isn't easy. I have heard a 3 Musketeer bar calling my name and dreamed about eating bacon, but I WILL prevail. I have way too much at stake to falter now.

I am not saying you can't have those things, and believe me, I fully intend to, just not right now. I have to reach my goal and learn to maintain before I can (occasionally) indulge. Right now, I know that if I give in, just once, I will fail. It has happened to me before and I am determined to make this happen.

Revelation 21:5 says, "I am making everything new" and I realize that this is not specifically about me and my weight loss journey, but I still hold on to it because through this process, He is making me new. My pastor used this verse this past Sunday in a sermon on Characters: The Woman At the Well and I was meditating on the verse when I realized that even though I am already a Christian, there are things about me that He is making changes in me. I can claim this verse specifically for me. This weight loss journey isn't just about getting the weight off, but about God making a change in my life. This change is about healthy eating, and spending time with my Father in Heaven instead of always running to food when I need comfort. God is my comfort!

So, my journey continues and faith grows stronger at the same time. I may not be as the woman at the well with my sin, but God continues to seek me out, just as He did her. He offers you and me the same Living Water He offered to her. Will you allow Him to make you new as he is doing to me?

Pulling up my bootstraps.....

It has been 6 months since my last post. I feel I have failed miserably at the task I set before me last year, but I am pulling up my bootstraps and jumping back on the horse...so to speak! It is a new year and 2012 can and will be, only what I make of it. Everyone seems to start the new year with a weight loss goal but this is more than about weight loss. For me, it is about self confidence, purpose and healthy living. This is what I plan to focus on for the next 355 days left in 2012.

1) Develop my relationship with my savior

2) To be a better mother and wife to my family

3) To actually live "Financial Peace"

4) Lose 50 lbs by October

5) To run a 5K

Life is never complete on this earth. There is always something to be learned, things to improve on and relationships to develop, but there has to be a sense of purpose with all this. My journey is about being the woman God intends for me to be and to do this, I have to change from the inside out and it has to start with my relationship with my Savior and from there, my health, my husband and children.

There is a song that has been going through my head this week and it is called "Alive Again" by Matt Maher, our church band sings this and it is so uplifting to me.

I woke up in darkness
sounded by silence
oh where, where have I gone?

I woke to reality
losing its grip on me
oh where, where have I gone?

Cause I can see the light
before I see the sunrise

Chorus
You called and you shouted
broke through my deafness
now I’m breathing in
and breathing out
I’m alive again!

You shattered my darkness
washed away my blindness
now I’m breathing in
and breathing out
I’m alive again!

Late have I loved you
you waited for me,
I searched for you…
what took me so long?

I was looking outside
as if love would ever want to hide
I’m finding I was wrong

Cause I can feel the wind
before it hits my skin

Bridge
Cause I want you!
Yes, I want you,
I need you
And I’ll do what ever I have to
Just to get through
cause I love you
Yeah, I love you!

I love this song and find my self humming it all the time and as I read the words, I realize, that I AM alive again and I intend on living my life in a way that will allow Christ to shine through everything I do.

I will be blogging about this as I go along because it is beneficial for me to put it down in writing and makes me accountable to anybody who reads it. Those who know me, know I have struggled a lot over the past few years and my life is not a bed of roses, but I keep pushing forward, always trying to be the woman I know Christ wants me to be. It has not been easy, nor will it be this time, but I will press on trying to reach the goals set before me.

Paul writes in Philippians 3:13b-14 "forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

I may be taking this verse a bit out of context, but really isn't about constantly reaching for those things God has called you to do? I think it is a perfect verse for me to begin this year, for anybody who wants to seek out God's will for your life.

Until next time.

One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind.

Well, today is my birthday. I am 42 today. 42 years ago, Neil Armstrong became the first human to step foot on the moon, and uttered those famous words; "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." 42 years ago, my mom was in labor at the sweet age of 15, giving birth to her first baby daughter. My father told me once that he wanted to name me Apollo after the lunar module that landed on the moon, but mom had more sense and named me Paula. My mother was a smart woman!!

A lot has happened in the past 42 years. Some of which, I am ashamed of, most things though, I have no regrets. Everything in my life has led me to this point. The point that I am searching; searching for something that I am not even sure what it is. I believe that I am saved, believe that Christ died for me and proclaim Him whenever I can, but still something is missing. I think this is the reason I am struggling with so many things in life.

My pastor is teaching on blessings right now and last Sunday he mentioned that God has given everyone the blessing of a burden for something. His was reaching the lost and disconnected and I became acutely aware that I don't know what my blessing is. What burden has God laid on my heart? What is my purpose on this earth for the kingdom? The only thing lately that I seem to have any passion about is learning to eat healthy and loosing weight. I want to make a difference in my kids' lives so they will grow up and be healthy and live a long and happy life.

I guess my journey is just like the statement made by Neil Armstrong; one small step for man - that would be fixing my life, learning to eat right, and getting in shape and training to run the 5K. One giant leap for mankind - that would be learning how to relay the same information to my family and figure out how God would want me to use the information to benefit the kingdom of God.

I will keep plugging away and reading my bible and praying until I figure out what is missing and what my blessing of a burden is so I can make a difference in the kingdom of God. I have a long way to go to meet my goal of running a 5K and loosing 50 lbs, but it is a journey that I still wish to travel and whatever baggage God feels I need to deal with along the way, I will!!

Thanks for reading and talk to you soon!

Your beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will your future be. Job 8:7

I am glad to say that things are heading in the right direction again. I guess I just didn't realize how much I had begun to shut everyone out when I felt things were falling apart. But, my GiG (girlfriend in God), called me out and helped me share what is going on in my life. I had forgotten how much I enjoy her insight and biblical wisdom. So for that, I say thank you Denise, you always seem to know just what to say.

Last night, Grace and Olivia kept bugging me to go walking, so I reluctantly got off my couch and went walking. I was nice to have a walking partner. Olivia kept trying to prove she could out do all of us and tired out very easy. Grace and I spent the first 5 minutes walking and talking together, then when the time came, she left me in the wind. It has been over a week since I last walked and I feel like I am back at square one. I was able to run when the time came, but I only did the 45 second runs with 2 minute walks instead of the 60 second run and 90 minutes recovery walk. I only completed 2 1/2 miles and Grace did the entire 3 miles.

When we finished, I asked the girls what the thought of my training routine, not so easy, right? Olivia said that she will not come back again, but of course, Grace said it wasn't bad and would like to continue. I think they have a new appreciation for what I am trying to do, however, I am still at the beginning. I think I would really enjoy having my girls run that 5K with me when the time comes. It would me a lot to me if we could do this as a family.

Job 8:7

Your beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will your future be.

Exercise is not something you do just to lose weight, it's action that you take to put your body under subjection and strengthen your spirit. Daily exercise will condition your mind to accept body motion as a part of life and make the Holy Spirit a stronger force within you to overcome adversity.

You may think that you're too weak and tired to exercise, but you are weak and tired sometimes because you don't exercise. Get up and workout to build a strong foundation of good health and spiritual strength. (quoted from Bonnie Mechelle, Victory Steps, June 29, 2011)

I think that working toward this goal, together, is a way for our family to connect again. I started this journey alone, but truthfully, as it changes me, it will change my family, and hopefully for the better. So while I started alone, I hope to finish strong with my family at my side.

I am excited about the possibilities of what lies ahead!!

Carried to the Table

Today was a very emotional day for me in so many facets. I had recently made two critical decisions in my life that would effect everyone I knew and loved, and both were going to hurt me and them. I had been praying and seeking God's will in this, I felt things were broken; I was broken and I was tired of feeling this way. I had been sharing all this with a dear friend and praying for the right time , no matter how difficult it was going to be, I needed to make a change, one that was years overdue...or so I thought.

My daughter, Grace, can sing like an angel; and today, God used her in a very special way through a song; "Carried to the the Table". It was an unexpected touch from God, I always expect God to show up, but today, He showed up and was talking to me face to face. It is rare that I can say that and truly believe that He was there. As I listened to my daughter sing in that angelic voice, I didn't open my eyes the entire time the words were being sung because I really believe He was there, right beside me, reminding me how broken I am WITHOUT HIM.

"Wounded and forsaken,
I was shattered by the fall,
Broken and forgotten
feeling lost and all alone"

This is exactly how I have been feeling. I am failing at so many things in my life lately. I have been failing on my diet, spiritually I have not been living up to what I know I should be and personally, things looked bleak and I felt like I have been living in a lie for years, letting everyone think that things are honky dory, when inside I was being torn apart because I just wanted no part of it any longer. I wanted OUT and I know that is not what God had intended. I have never felt so alone in my life then I have the last few months.

"I was carried to the table,
seated where I don't belong,
Carried to the table,
swept away by His love.
And I don't see my brokenness anymore,
When I'm seated at the the table of the Lord
I'm carried to the table
The table of the Lord"

As those beautiful words began to ring out, I realized, that at that moment, I was being carried to the Lord's table. He was sitting right there with me, face to face. I couldn't open my eyes. I really wanted to watch Grace sing this song, but I was so overwhelmed by God's presence,that I couldn't. I physically could not open my eyes.

"Fighting thoughts of fear
and wondering why He called my name,
am I good enough to share this cup?
this world has left me lame,
even in my weakness,
the Savior called my name
in His Holy presence
I 'm healed and unashamed"

All I could see was God, reaching out to me, loving me; tears were streaming down my face as I realized that I have been trying to handle this again, all by myself. I really thought that God was guiding me, but God is not about tearing down, but building up. With His love, the brokenness was healed and swept away.

I have been struggling with a lot lately, and I have been seeking God's will, but in my haste to get an answer and to "fix" things on my own, I misunderstood what God was trying to tell me. Today, through a song sung during our worship time at church, God reached out to me, sat with me, face to face and reminded my how much HE LOVES ME, know matter what else is going on in my life, nothing will change the one true love in my life.

Christ is real food for the soul, and to embrace and feed on Him produces freedom from so many things that we allow to bog us down. I have a serious habit of stress eating, and I have been doing a lot of it lately. I have totally blown my diet and exercise routine that I had gotten myself on because I was trying to handle this problem, again and again, on my own. Today, God made me realize that I must rely on HIM and his food. Real and true belief in Christ involves turning away from finding our satisfaction in earthly things, to turning to Christ to fill us, satisfy our hearts and give us life.

Man does not live on bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God (Matthew 4:4)

So I challenge you to google the song "Carried to the Table" by the Lelands and listen to the entire song or just google the lyrics. You will see how God has and will carry you to the table if you will open your hearts and let him. He is the only satisfying thing we need in our life.

Now I am not saying that the situations I have been praying about just miraculously fixed themselves today, but I am saying that I don't feel so alone and broken any more and if I continue to seek him and eat from His table, then I will be satisfied in so many different ways in my life.

Have you been carried to the table recently?