I love the verse from Psalm 40:1-2, "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand". This verse takes me back to several episodes in my life that certainly have been turning points. One was a day almost 7 1/2 years ago that has forever changed my life. I found out some of the most devastating news one could hear. The actual event doesn't really matter at this point, but the excruciating hurtfulness and the magnitude of what this would mean for my life and the life of my family hurt me to the core. I made a permanent hole in my heart, and to this day it still fills up with doubt and fear and I wonder if it will ever be whole again.
I did turn to God and for a while I thought all was healed, but it's ugly head reared itself up again and again. Every time I would try to bury it, it would peak it's head up. It has been an on going battle for over 7 long years. I have been dealing with the mire of this situation for so long that it has worn me out. I have developed anxiety, depression, bitterness and anger and each passing year, it seems to get worse, but my faith seems to get stronger....I ask you, how is that possible? I have forgiven and forgiven until I just can't forgive anymore, how long does this have to last? Matthew 18: 21-22 says "Lord how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times? Jesus said to him, 'I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven'". Now that is a hard number that we can understand, 7 x 70 is 490 but I don't believe he actually meant to put an actual number to it, but to say that we should always offer forgiveness!
In February of this year, I cracked. I wound up in the Emergency Department a total wreck, I didn't want my life to go on; I wanted the pain to stop! Fortunately, because of my faith and my love for my girls, I called out to someone for help. That led me to the hospital and all I could say was "I am so tired"; over and over again and cry hysterically. It took medication to calm me down and to get me to the point where I could tell the nurse what triggered this episode and I had to relive everything over again...to a stranger.
The truth is that I had let that junk, that sediment that I kept pushing down to forget about it, build up and build up until it just exploded. I ran out of energy to fight any longer and I entered a very dark place in my life. The truth is, that I expected to go about life in a way that is expected of a Christian/Christian wife and go about my business like everything was hunky dory, but it is NOT! I am so thankful that the light of Jesus is in my life and those I surround myself with, because without the love and support of some very Godly friends, I would not have made it through that day. Now I did go to counseling and work through a few things, but the truth is, if you keep facing the very thing that caused you pain, will the pain truly ever go away? I truly believe that God will bring peace to the situation; whether he removes that pain or buries it, who knows! Only God does!
I know that I am not completely on that rock with a firm stance, and I am slowly coming out of the slimy pit and working through the mire, but I have a hope, a faith that God will use this "thing" in my life for His good. Romans 8:28 says that all things work together for the good of those that love Jesus who are called according to His purpose. I can't imagine the pain that I have been living through the last 7 years of my life could ever be a something good, but I believe the scriptures and pray every day that God will use me to guide someone else and in the end, He will get the glory!
No comments:
Post a Comment