Happy New Year 2015

2014 is gone I have come out the other side still standing and feeling stronger than I expected. This past year has been extremely challenging. I started 2014 as a newly single woman after 20 years and this time as a single mother of two. Now my girls were 12 and 18 when the year started so they did not require the same attention as a younger child...thank the Lord for that.  However, financially, I just felt I was set up for failure; I have been raising my girls with a two person income since they were born and now I am expected to care for both with one income and I have not really been alone since high school.  We knew it was going to be a challenging year and for the most part the three of us worked together to get through it, but it certainly hasn't been without struggles.  

Olivia started the year out seeing a counselor to help cope with the divorce and she seemed to be doing well, but as summer came and she happily attended youth camp, she revealed she had been struggling and was having a hard time coping.  We prayed and studied the bible to try to find some help and resolution and for a while things improved again.  As time passed, it became clear that she was hurting and it was revealed that she had been cutting. I was devastated and felt like such a failure as a parent.  I had no idea she was in such a dark place. 

Looking back I always wondered why she was wearing long sleeves in the summer and fall when it was so warm, and I knew that she was upset she didn't see her dad very much,but she seemed so happy when we were together. School is becoming a problem, she is acting out telling very embellished stories and her grades are suffering but somehow pulls it up on the knick of time.  Olivia and I have had many heart to hearts and we do have a great relationship, but there are just somethings even I can't fill. We are working on her turning her problems and concerns over to God and as she matures in her faith, she will grow stronger and learn to rely on God more. In the mean time, this mama's knees are getting sore but we will start 2015 talking to a professional to get her the help she needs.

Grace has had a ride, too, but she is sill standing on her own two feet. She left Kroger and now works for a local pizza company while remaining in college. Her plans have changed several times throughout the year and at times I felt like I was getting whiplash with the I'm moving out, no I'm not, yes I am. She has decided to stay at home for now . I am proud of her but we have butted heads a few times. She is trying to become an adult on her terms while living in her newly single mom's house while mom is trying to figure out how to be a single woman and a single mom with no daily assistance from the man who is the father of her children. It has been a tough ride, but we are making it just the same.

As for me, I'm still searching for God's plan for my life. Between work, attending church and developing some great friendships and bible study, I still dealt with depression and migraines and of course stress eating. In spite of that, God has remained real and alive in my life. I have had nights where I would still cry out and wonder where He was and times I felt I was in such a deep dark pit, I just didn't know how I was going to get out, but God would always show up in unexpected ways. Jeremiah 29:13 says, "you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."  Seek God I did!  

Lysa Terkereust writes in the book, What Happens When Women Say Yes to God - 'He has gone before us and sees the dangers and trials we face...the only way to know and trust God in this way is to spend time with Him'. I began to pour myself into prayer and bible study and mediation.  I am flabber gasted at how my life has turned out but I know that nothing comes as a surprise to God.  I just have to be still and listen for what he wants to do with all this in my life.  Lysa also writes in the same book, 'do not seek to see it.  You are robbing Faith of her sublime sweetness if you do.  Just know that all is well and that Faith, not seeing but believing, is what will bear you to safety over the stormy waters.  My stormy waters are mostly over, at least as far as THAT particular storm is concerned, although I am still trying to pick up the pieces.  I am learning to trust God with my future and this year has been a faith building year for sure.

There were many firsts this past year...my first holidays without a spouse, my first summer vacation without the complete family and lots of time being ALONE!!!!! I've never liked being alone,but it was in that time that God would speak to me and I would seek to understand this new journey. Focus was my word for 2014 and I spent the year focusing on God and not going off the deep end and trying to keep my head above water. Happily, I can say I succeeded. I feel stronger than last year at this time and I know that I will keep getting stronger.  God has blessed me in ways I could never have imagined.  I really believe God has a plan and I am excited to see where my journey of faith 2015 will lead.

2015 is going to be about persevering.  Persevere means to persist in anything undertaken; maintain a purpose inspite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragements, continue steadfastly.  James 1:12 states, Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him.  My journey is no longer about "poor me' but what do you want me to do for your Kingdom, Lord".

I have made it through the trial of surviving the first year after the divorce and the newness of singlehood again.  It wasn't easy but I am okay with myself  now.  I have discovered I CAN be alone and be OKAY.  However, I am not  naive enough to think that it will be all rosy from here. I have met the status quo of year one and life will finally begin to move forward and new trials will present itself....and I am ready.  Bible in hand, and knee pads at the ready...John 15:10 states  If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love.  Obedience is the key that unlocks this secret place with God.  I plan on spending a lot of time with God and being  obedient and being ready to Say Yes To God at any given moment, just so I can experience Him daily in my life and be an example for others.

Beautifully Broken

I spent the weekend at the Conquering Hell in High Heals 2014 conference with Pastor Kimberly Jones Pothier from Realtalkkim.com and let me tell you, it  was a time ordained by God!!!

One year ago this week, I began to feel God was finally releasing me from a painful marriage. It was the hardest thing I had to do.  I loved my husband so much that I was willing to pray us out of this pit we were in for as many years as it would take.  I was not letting go.  Now let me make this perfectly clear, I was not fearful for my life or the lives of my children.  He was a good man and would never dream of doing any physical to harm me or the girls and he never raised his voice to me.  His battle was mental and spiritual and outwardly, it affected our marriage.  

On July 17,2005 after 11 years of marriage, I discovered pictures, videos and emails of the secret life my husband had.  What I found left me feeling so betrayed and horrified I went in to shock!!  I took my kids and moved out with no warning.  I had to find time to process this. I had friends and family rally around me, pray for me and for my husband.  Once he was confronted, he admitted that he didn't know why he did what he did and didn't want to loose the family he loved so much.  So after a 3 month separation, we reconciled with the understanding we would seek counseling; which we did for a time.

Things improved for a while but it took a very long time for any kind of trust to return on my behalf. I never truly recovered but trudged on and eventually, life returned to a new normal and I sought hard after God during this time.  I wanted my marriage to be strong and for us to be a testimony for couples down the road on how infidelity can be turned around and still bring glory to God. 

Over the years since the initial finding, we've had our ups and downs.  Slip ups and recoveries.  Melt downs and mini restorations.  He just could stop the sin that had consumed him, and I kept forgiving him and staying because God had not released me from this marriage, this covenant that I made on April 30, 1994.  I was going to honor my vow no matter what.  And I did with the help of studying God's word, praying and surrounding me with people who continually prayed for me and my husband.  The prayer warriors were on overtime.

Eventually, we both got jobs an hour away from our home and decided it would be in our best interest to move closer to our work.  I was excited;  this was a chance to start over.  No one knew of our past marital  problems and we could start fresh in a church and God was finally going to restore us to compete healing. Well, moving to Macon turned out being the worse thing for our marriage.  Shortly after we moved, my husband lost his job and then I discovered things were back to betrayal.  I couldn't take it any more! I started recruiting new prayer warriors at my new church and calling in the old prayer troops from the past.  I needed help and clarity.  This had been going on for 8 years!! I had struggled with God's will for marriage before and I kept getting a very clear answer.  

This time, it was fuzzy.  I struggled with hatred and not love and I began to wonder if this is what God meant when he said we would face trials and tribulations or was I just a fool to believe things would be restored.  I remember telling one of my prayer partners that  I know God says we should turn the cheek and forgive 70x7 but I think I have gone way past that number over the years and I was beginning to feel like a door mat. I sought God, I prayed and I constantly study the Word for answers.   One night after study  and praying, I had a tremendous  peace that came over me and I felt God telling me my journey was changing and I was released from the covenant.

I continued to pray about it, made a plan and gathered evidence and confronted him one more time.  This time, he admitted that he had been unfaithful for as long as 10 years. Longer than I had expected and it wasn't just on the internet.  It was physical and he was gay and wanted to be with men.  That was a punch in the gut that I always suspected based on the information uncovered years before, but the final admission hurt more that I could ever imagine.  It was more than betrayal!!!  I can't compete with his choice.  There is no way to make sense of his actions. I was devastated.  I loved this man and planned on growing old with him, gave him children... but he wanted out.

Our divorce became final the day after Christmas and I maintained a positive attitude through the holidays.  Holidays were always big for us.  This year, I had an empty chair and no one to share it with but I pressed through.  But all the emotional junk has been eating me up over the last 6 months. What happened to the first six months?  I guess I was still in shock and auto pilot for the sake of my girls, but now, depression and anger have set in big time. Weeks go by and I stare at the wall or lay in bed in a fetal position just feeling numb.  Others times, it takes all I have to not get on Facebook, email or phone and curse him out for ruining my life and messing up our children's lives. But you know, I am still surrounded by prayer partners, people who love me and encourage me and lift me up. I wouldn't have made it this far without their encouragement and I am so thankful for them!!!

This weekend was a time to break all those chains of betrayal, depression, anger, worthlessness and realizing that I AM BEAUTIFULLY BROKEN and it is in this time that God does the most amazing work.  I am in a transformation that will bring me out on the other side just like a beautiful butterfly.  I love the analogy Pastor Kim made when she said that we are like glow sticks.  We have to be broken to shine. I have been broken the  light is starting to shine and I am on my way to be fully bright!!  I am looking forward to being loved back to life through the ministry of Pastor Kim and everyone else who has stood for me in the gap and praying for me and most of all... 

THANK YOU LORD FOR NEVER GIVING UP ON ME!!!

 

I'm Worn

Tenth Avenue North - Worn Lyrics

Artist: Tenth Avenue North
Album: The Struggle

Play Song

Listen while you read!

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But im too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn
My prayers are wearing thin
And I’m worn
Even before the day begins
I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
Heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Yes, all that's dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/tenth-avenue-north/worn-lyrics/#AXIabix7LLWdp89R.99

As I was driving to work this morning, a Tenth Avenue North song came on...Worn.  It is such a poignant song and one that I can understand on a very personal level and every time I hear it, I brings me to tears.

I'm tired, I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I've made mistakes, I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world
and I know that you can give me rest
so I cry out with all that I have left.

I remember the time when I FIRST felt the wind get punched out of me.  I couldn't  breath and I literally felt like there was so much weight on me that I didn't know if I would ever get out of bed again; and I cried.  I cried tears of disappointment, tears of anger, tears of disbelief and I cried out to God to take it all away.  At one point I even cried for God to take ME away.  I had no hope and felt like I had nothing left.  That FIRST time, months went by and very little relief in my emotional state and I all I could do was cry some more.

Let me see redemption win, let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

During that past eight years of this struggle, I kept crying out to God.  How could this have happened, why does it keep happening, why will you NOT RELEASE me from this? How could I be expected to bear this time and time again...  I believe that God can and does restore, all I wanted was restoration but  I could not walk away.  After all, I was being faithful and I made not just a commitment, but a covenant and I was waiting for God to fix everything because in the end, that is what happens, right?

I know I need to lift my eyes up, but I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Incident after incident, time and after time, year after year I cried out to God for relief; fix it, heal it, or take it, just do something.  I was tired and all I could do was pray, read and study my bible searching for answers and cry out to God.  There were times when things felt like they were headed in the right direction and perhaps, God was answering my prayer.  But just when I got comfortable with my life and my journey, another incident appeared  and it seemed to take me deeper in despair and it took longer and was harder to come out of it. I had great people surrounding me, praying for me,  lifting me up and at times, I was at a loss for words and couldn't pray anymore. Those times when I felt God was not there, others stepped up and prayed on my behalf because I had nothing left to give.

My prayers are wearing thin, and I'm worn
Even before the day begins, I'm worn
I've lost my will to fight, I'm worn
Heaven come and flood  my eyes

Two years ago, I felt I had hit rock bottom, I could not  pray and I felt so numb and was literally in a fog, that all I could say was "I am tired".  I had fallen into the darkest pit and there seemed to be no light to look to, and I began  to cry, physically cry and could not stop. I became almost hysterical with tears and loud full force crying.  It was like 6 years of holding back just busted the dam wide open and the flood gates were smashed.  I wanted to die and  I really didn't want to deal with this anymore.  I was tired of hurting and tired of being in the midst of this storm that would just not go away.  I was driving my car and was desperately searching for something to drive my car into.  I want to die but I didn't want to an innocent person's life with me so I had enough sense to pull over and call the emergency hot line number on the back of my insurance card. I was immediately sent to the ER for evaluation.  The only thing I could say was I was tired and hysterically cry.  The poor lady on the other end of the call wanted to call the ambulance, but I refused to tell here where I was.  I was about a mile from the hospital so she remained on the phone with me while I drove myself there.

Of course they gave me some really good sedatives to calm me down and I started spilling what was going on.  Of course I had a psychiatric evaluation and it was determined that I was no longer having suicidal thoughts and I didn't need to be immediately admitted and I was given instructions to call for further evaluation as an outpatient, which I did.  I slowly crawled out of that deep dark pit and God began to restore my strength and resolve. I had amazing friends along the way, great friends that stood by me, allowed me cry, yell and just mope when I needed to; all the while, there were interceding at the throne of God on my behalf.

It has been a long two years since that February of 2011 and an even longer 8 years since this journey began on July 17, 2005 but I have continued to grow and strengthen my faith; there have been ups and down, triumphs and disappointments and on  September 13, 2013, the journey took a sharp turn that led to a divorce and me being a single mom.  A new leg of the journey has now begun I have been worn and I have been so tired that I just didn't care if I lived or died, but the tiredness is improving and has been replaced with resolve. Resolve to turn this journey into something inspiring for others.

Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose

Joshua 1:9 - Remember that I have commanded you to be determined and confident! Don't be afraid or discouraged, for I, the Lord your God, am with you wherever you go."

The Darkest Hour

This post started on December 31 but never finished writing it and never published it. 

It is New Years eve and I am reflecting back on the year that has brought so many changed to my world!!

This year has been a very tough one; one with many ups and downs and changes I could never have imagined. 2013 was going to be a promising year with the start of a new job and moving to a new city.  I thought life was finally going to get settled and we would all be happier.  Boy was I wrong!

The job started off great but the new city was a nightmare.  The room at extended stay we were staying in was infested with bed bugs!!!! Of course after just 2 days of being in that room, I had so many bites on my body, I had fever, swelling all over, insane itching more than 100 bites all over my body.  Doctor visit after doctor visit lead me to a skin specialist and 2 biopsies later, I was diagnosed with Sweet's Syndrome triggered by the bed bug bites.  It was a long 2 months just to get comfortable and now I am left with scars on my arms.

We finally found a place in March and within 2 weeks of moving in, our 2 household income became one.  Things were tight, but we kept pushing on and soon the girls will be joining us in our new city as they were left behind to finish up their last years in high school and elementary school.  These were milestones I just could not rip the kids out of.

April, evidence that trouble was on the horizon but assurance that all would be okay. Hey next month, the girls would be home and my sister was coming to visit for the first time in nearly 7 years!!

May, end of school and graduation day was finally here for the beloved oldest child.  Grace was on cloud nine.  Olivia was having anxiety about leaving all her friends but mom as so happy to have her babies home.

June was the month Grace and I made the trip to  Mobile, AL for her to register for classes at University of South Alabama and meet her roommate....ROAD TRIP!!  Things on the personal side was beginning to become weird and uncomfortable.  Man, I needed a breakthrough or something..

July began by asking dear friends to pray for me as I desired to know what God would have me to do.  Eight years of struggling to keep a marriage together when most of the time it felt one sided was beginning to wear on me. I began to pray for God to shine the light on the path just a bit brighter so this numb skull could figure out where to step next. I wanted to be obedient to God and grow in my faith, nothing seemed to matter except following God's plan and I was willing to make whatever change I needed to make.

August with the girls going  back to school. Olivia starting middle school and Grace beginning her freshman year at college, although not at Univ of South Alabama as we had hoped, but instead at Middle Georgia College right here in Macon.  Mom was happy because everyone was staying under one roof.  I also began the Proverbs 31 online bible study, "What happens when woman say yes to God".  This study became instrumental in my walk with the Lord,  I began to really search for God and desired to follow His will.  I prayed that God would give  me the strength and the courage to say Yes to God no matter the consequences.  I wanted to be free to follow God wherever He would lead me.  I began to see where my path was leading and it was quite scary, something I wasn't really sure I could follow through with.  It just didn't make sense that this is what God was telling me but evidence kept mounting and it became quite obvious that action needed to be taken.

September was a transitional month although I didn't know it at the beginning.  I presented the evidence and said if things didn't change, we were headed to divorce.  Immediately the  path became quite clear, relief and an admission of wrong doing....for the past 9 years!!!! My husband admitted to multiple same-sex relationships over the years and was ready to move on and divorce and would be moving out,  Just like that, 20 years was over....really?

Endless crying and Numbness mixed with pain  set in and the rest of September and all of October is a blur.  I don't remember much except that God had placed many wonderful spirit filled ladies and a few Godly men in my path.  These individuals encouraged me, prayed for me and were there to hold me up when I couldn't stand any longer. 

November came with the divorce being filed and the holidays on the horizon.  I was ready for 2013 to be over.  What started out as an exciting adventure in January has turned out to be a living nightmare that I wasn't sure was ever going to end. By the end of the month, Chuck finally found an job and announced he would most likely be moving...almost 2 hours away from me and his children.

I began to see that what I had been praying for all these years, to restore and heal my marriage, turned out to be the wrong thing to be praying for.  When I started  praying for God to make me a "yes to God" girl and become obedient to Him, I felt like me life was falling apart.  My marriage was not healed but dissolved.  The divorce was finalized on December 26...Merry Christmas to me... and God is slowing in the process of giving me a face lift; a spiritual face lift.  I needed to be restored - restored back to God and only live for him.  I realized that after Chuck left, I didn't know who I was!!  I became, Chuck's wife, Grace and Olivia's  mom but Paula had no other identity and I didn't even know who I was in Christ.

I have lived the darkest hour and there is light at the end of the tunnel and I am learning that my only identity - at least the one that matters beyond anything else, is the identity of Child of the Living King.  I am a Christ follower and I am redeemed! I have loved and loss this year but I have gained a faith that I know is unfailing. My faith has sustained me and I have hope in what is to come. 

Hebrews 6:19 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.

2014 has begun with some difficult days emotionally, but God has remained true and faithful and I am so glad for those in my life from my church, my job, my family of choice, my friends and family that have prayed for me and stood by me through this trying but spiritually affirming time.  I know the plans I have for you declare the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11.

I am  learning to claim these truths and hold on to God's unfailing love.....stay tuned!

Obedience vs. Disobedience

"We need not fear what our disobedience will cause to happen in our life.  We should only fear what our disobedience will cause us to miss."  Lisa Terkeust

One of the quotes from Chapter 3 of  "What Happens When Women Say Yes to God" has caused me to stop and ponder about my obedience/disobedience to God.  There are so many times where I can pinpoint a time where I know I was disobedient to Him because I was more interested in my wants than in the Will of God. These are certainly things as I look back, that I am not particularly proud of, but it is part of my story just the same.

I was disobedient when I did not finishing nursing school in 1993.  I was one semester away from graduating with an RN diploma and then a few more semesters to get my BSN and I quit. I needed a break! I had gone through an ugly separation and divorce during  my time in school but I knew what I wanted to do with my life; I was going to work in emergency/ cardiac medicine and do medical missions. I was able to maintain a job and decent grades all while adjusting to my new single life and I had a great Christian friend who tried her best to keep me grounded during all this turmoil. I went on vacation the summer before graduation, met a young man who was wanting to be in the ministry, didn't care that I had been divorced and we fell in love. It was then I realized how emotionally and mentally exhausted I was and I just wanted someone to love me and walk the Christian walk with me.  I wanted to be with him and make a new life.  We had planned to have me finish school then move the 800 miles to be with him, but I just couldn't wait.

After a few months of  "phone dating" ( he lived 800 miles away ), we decided that we were getting married once I finished school, but I dropped out of school, we married and within 6 weeks, I was pregnant.  Now I had always intended to just take a semester off and finish, but I had a horrible pregnancy, a sickly baby and one thing led to another and 17 years later, I finally did make it back to nursing school, but this time I finished as an LPN.  Not quite the original plan.  I always knew that God had called me to being a nurse, and had felt the pull time and time again, but I was making great money and couldn't bear to walk away from it; after running and making excuses for 15 years, God made it happen.  I got fired from a job that I did and did well,  I was well liked, respected and had recently been promoted. So it made absolutely no sense for me to be fired, except that God had opened that door for me to walk in obedience once again.  This time, I followed all the way to the finish line. There was some vindication but thinking about where I could have been after 20 years of nursing and where I was just starting out now was a little heartbreaking.  I could have been so much more for Christ if I had been obedient from the beginning.

That was just one area of my life, but there are others.  As I work through this study, I am almost ashamed at the many times I had been disobedient.  I know that God has taken those times of disobedience and has worked them out for His good and that is what I am focusing on.  I want to make sure that what I am doing now His Will and not just mine.  The path I took to get here today may not have been  the original path God had planned, but I am a nurse and I feel like I am doing mission work at the HIV clinic in which I work.  I get to show people who are often abused, misused, outcast and unloved, that someone loves them and only wants what is best for them. I know it is not much, but when you have a  patient sitting in your office crying because their own family and friends will have nothing to do with them, but you show them love and kindness,  it is such a joy to know God has placed me in this facility. For once in my life, I feel like I am right where God wants me to be and at the same time, I find little ways to share my faith with those who come my way.

It certainly isn't a foreign county that I am serving in, but I can assure you, it doesn't really matter.  What is important now is that I am seeking God in every decision I make.  Some I don't like because it is not what I want, but I am getting better and waiting on God, listening for His voice and I know the next big area God is working on is my finances.  My obedience to God is one step at time and I have already seen small blessings in the area of my finances and I keep holding on to what God has already done in my life to help me walk the next path of obedience to please Him.  I guess this can be a #saywhat moment and #amazed moment all wrapped up into one.

Romans 8:28 says that  "and we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose".  I am holding on to that and I know God knows what is in my heart. I believe walking in obedience will allow God to bring new life to those areas of disobedience and make a blessing out of them.  It may not be the way I think, but in the end, it doesn't really matter.  I am finally learning to give it all to God and praying over every decision and step because I refuse to live in disobedience any longer.

I don't know where my future will take me, but I know that I will give everything I have to walk in obedience and live for Christ!!

#saywhat When you say yes to God

I began the online Bible Study last week "What Happens When Women Say Yes to God" and I have been praying for God to give me chances to say Yes to him.  Sometimes we say yes to simple requests and sometimes it is BIG things.   One of the things I have said yes to is spending more time with God, more time studying and praying and more time just trying to be the person I know God wants me to be.

I am always telling my kids to trust God and things will work out. I have even been telling myself that for years. It is no secret that in 2005 my world was turned upside down and my rock bottom left me no where to go except to realize that at my bottom was my Rock, Jesus Christ.  I know that sounds a bit cliche' but it is the truth.  But even with that said, the climb back out of the deep dark pit that was rock bottom has not been an easy one.  I have had many slips and falls, but I just keep getting right back up and continue the climb.  I am learning to say yes to God to different things, not because I am comfortable, but because I trust that he will make things right.  Romans 8:28 says that "In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose".  I love God and want to walk in His will and work with a Godly purpose.

So many things in my life have led me to accept that God has orchestrated my steps.  As a nurse, I thought I might work in ICU or with Open Heart patients.  But when I graduated from nursing school a few years back, I knew there were two areas that I didn't want to work in...Pediatrics and Geriatrics. I have never been fond of sick kids and I am terrified of feeding the elderly.  I prayed and prayed for a job after all, I had been unemployed for almost 2 years and since graduating from LPN school, I really needed to start working. The funny thing is the only job I was offered was at a Pediatric Clinic...Yes you heard me right....my first SAY WHAT moment!  Surely God was joking.  I took the job and for 2 years and fell in love with those kids and was glad that I had an opportunity to work there.  The job was difficult, don't get me wrong.  I went home almost every day for the first year crying because I hated it. It was difficult working with some of my co-workers, the docs were difficult and some of the patients..well, let's just say, I began praying for God to change my heart.  The greatest new is that he did.  I miss them now that I am not there; the patients, the doctors and yes, the employees.  Some of them became great spiritual inspiration for me - all because I had a say what moment with God and I said YES!!

I now work at an Public Health Clinic that cares for HIV positive patients.  It was another one of those times that I felt God was calling me and I was a little unsure what that would entail.  I didn't really know much about HIV,  and it would be less nursing procedures and more case management type. I prayed about it for months when the final offer came in and again, SAY WHAT to God, but I accepted and said yes. Immediately, some people started pushing off the "stigma" about HIV/Aids one me because of where I said I worked.  Once again, I know God was totally in this job.  I pray for my patients everyday.  Some of them are there by no fault of their own, such as a tainted blood transfusion from earlier years, some because there spouse was not faithful, and others just by chance. I have been called to a job of integrity, confidentiality and no judgement.  I have been charged, BY GOD, to love these people unconditionally, regardless of their race, sexual orientation or their financial situation. I try to live everyday in their eyes as Jesus would with acceptance of them as children of God.  I don't preach, although I do show love as Christ would and they all have no doubt of my love of Christ.

This had been an emotionally and financially tough week for me.  Aside from the horrible rain we have endured this week, I just wanted to stay in bed and sleep late today.  I have been looking forward to it all week. Our church was going to help with Habitat for Humanity and a local church soup kitchen and I had wanted to go, but decided to stay home so I could sleep, after all, I earned it.  However, while reading my daily devotional this morning, the author quoted one of my favorite quotes by Jim Elliot, a missionary to Ecuador in the 1950s and was ultimately killed by some of the people of the primitive tribe he was witnessing to.  The statement  from his journal was "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose."   Now to some of you that may mean nothing, but since I have been praying for opportunities to say Yes to God, this hit me hard, because I really had wanted to go on our church's local mission project this morning, but decided I would just stay in on this lazy wet Saturday morning...until I read this.  It reminded me that I needed to go, I  need to give of my personal time to share the love of Christ.  I went and I found out that most of the activities were outside.  It rained and poured and was chilly for an August morning, but I still believe that  God blessed me through the blessing I was allowed to be apart of by helping at the food bank/ soup kitchen.  We were able to feed the people of a community that needed it and sent everyone home with a bag of groceries.  There were plenty of smiles there today and I was so glad that I said YES TO GOD again.  My heart and soul overflows today and I am glad to be a part of the kingdom of Christ.

#palmsup #saywhat #yestogod

The Future

"Do not seek to see it <the future>.  You are robbing Faith of her sublime sweetness if you do this.  Just know that all is well and that Faith, not seeing but believing, is what will bear you to safety over the stormy waters." 

Lysa Terkeurst, What Happens When Women Say Yes to God

I have had to live by this statement for the past 8 years and I didn't even realize it until I read it on Monday.  When we  try to make plans for our future, there is nothing wrong with doing what we can to make those plans become a reality.  But sometimes, life happens and plans just don't go the way we expect them to. Does this mean that we just throw in the towel and forget about it?  Certainly not!!  If a plan is thought out and prayed over and guided by God, you can almost bet there will be bumps along the way, but you will get there in HIS time.
Initially, we  may react in a human way to things that come along, after all, we ARE human with a human nature...just the way God designed us. As a human,  born of the flesh, our future is most assuredly, uncertain.  It is enough to drive the most sane person, insane, if allowed to dwell on  it.  I have been down that road so many times and a few times nearly cost me a short vacation to crazy ville with a deluxe suite and some seriously relaxing medications!!

This was my stormy water. A time when I suffered a blow so severe to my life, that I did not have any idea what my future was going to be.  I could not see past the hand in front of my face and all I had was my Faith.

Fortunately, I DO walk with Christ and while I may have been down for a brief moment in time, I do not allow myself to stay in that dark place for long.  I have learned that my Faith and love for Christ is the only way to keep that smile on my face and the very thing that keeps me going.

I realize that the thing that put me down all those years ago, is the very thing that now has enabled my strength and continued Faith.  Sounds kind of backwards, but we can't let the past define out future.  We can't let someone else dictate our future.  God tells us in Jeremiah 29:11 that He knows the plans He has for us.  Plans  to prosper us, not to harm us. He has plans to give us a future filled with hope.  

Often times, we allow ourselves to get in our own way.  We try to fix things that we have no business trying to fix. The best thing for us to do is move aside for our own good and give it to God; He already knows the future!!  This reminds me of the story when Peter walked on the water to get to Jesus in Matthew 14:22-31.   The disciples were out in the boat, and Jesus was walking out to them and they were terrified because they thought they were seeing a ghost.   

27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

29 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

Peter allowed his surroundings to bring fear into his life, and when reality hit, he realized that he should NOT be able to walk on the water and began to sink. Verse 30 says that he saw the wind...I believe that he took his eyes off of Jesus and when he did, he began to sink.  

Life is like that, we take our focus, our eyes, our purpose, off of what Jesus has called us to do because of some bump in the road and it can cause  detrimental consequences.  We must keep our eyes on God, we must allow our FAITH to lead the way.  Not everything makes sense, it certainly didn't make sense that  Peter could walk on water, but with the help of Jesus, he did!!

"You of little faith, why did you doubt?"  We have to trust God for our future and allow the trials and tribulations we have gone through to define our strength and resolve through Faith, and not let those same trials and tribulations dictate our future.

Just remember that faith is what will carry you through the stormy water and God's hand will be there to catch you...YOU JUST HAVE TO BELIEVE!!

#yestoGod #saywhat #palmsup